Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Is this real life?

For the third year in a row, I drove down to the Outer Banks of North Carolina with my parents. It's 18 hours one way. Typically I would write something about my wacky father, but since we see eye to eye for the most part, I'd like to introduce you to my mother, Malgorzata (Margaret). At 5'4, 50-something years old, she's one of the sweetest, most honest people you'll ever meet. She (God love her) also has a few screws loose. Think Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond multiplied by 1000 and throw in a Po1ish accent. Her motto should be "knowledge, interest, control," because she thinks she knows everything, she's interested in everything, and she wants to control everything. Perfect example: my dad driving, me sitting next to him, and my mom sitting with her head in between our seats to catch every word we're saying. It's impossible to summarize all of the crazy that came out of her mouth during our trip, but here are a few of my favorites: After driving past a Burger King billboard with the words "No Fakin' Bacon," my mom screamed: "NO FUCKING BACON?!" 2. After several mispronunciations, she finally gives up and starts referring to Matthew McConaughey as Matthew "Moj Kochany" (Mooy-kohany), which means "my darling" in Polish. 3. Driving to one of the islands on the Outer Banks, she asks if what we're on is a "penisula." 4. While devouring a plate full of humongous shrimp, she looks up and says "I don't know if you knew this, but in the ghetto they call these scrimps." 5. After seeing a guy's profile picture of whom I had been corresponding with back home she says "I think he has simpleton features. Also...is he poor?" And finally, my personal favorite on the way to dinner: "I think you're overdressed. I also think you look better than me. The latter is what bothers me the most. Can you change please?" I did, but only because she was paying.

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