Friday, April 6, 2012

The Gatekeeper

In dealing with the incessant hassle of having to answer my company's sales calls (God I'm glad I went to college), I've recently developed a new identity to help me through them. Her name is Becky Kates. She's a post op tranny. Picture Will Ferrell's voice immodulation skit and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Just a taste of one of my conversations: Me, in my regular voice: Thanks for calling (company name), this is Joanna Cold caller: Hi there, I was hoping to speak with the person in charge of handling your shipping supplies Me, as Becky: This is Becky CC: Yes, hello, are you the person in that handles the shipping supplies? Becky: Depends on who's asking honey CC: Oh. Yes. This is Jennifer B: Well isn't THAT a lovely name CC: Thank you. I was hoping... B: You know I almost chose Jennifer as MY name CC: I'm sorry? B: Not important CC: How much volume would you say you had coming out of there? B: My hair has TONS of volume CC: No, I meant in terms of shipments. Would you say you do mostly UPS? B: So you mean to tell me you're NOT calling to sell me hair products? Case in point: if you ever want to get rid of someone on the phone, or make someone uncomfortable in person for that matter, try lowering your voice a few octaves, draw out your vowels and you've got yourself a winner.

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