Sunday, April 1, 2012

Don't make eye contact

My friend Moni says I get upset over things that don't matter and I should learn to let things go. What she doesn't understand is that I am waging a war against the homeless crackheads of Chicago and I need a little support. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I'm a magnet for them. Winks, catcalls, trying to yank my groceries from my hands...sometimes I want to drop to my knees, pull a Nancy Kerrigan and yell "WHY ME????" There's a homeless newspaper called Streetwise that's handed out by the unemployed and while I wholeheartedly agree with the mission, I have a hard time seeing the same guy on my corner everyday yelling in my face that I should donate and take one. I mean, I know who he is. I know what he's doing. If I wanted a gotdamn paper I'd take a paper. The public transportation system brings me to a whole other level of discomfort and rage. Why do I have to sit on the train and listen to an irate man walking up and down the aisles screaming about how vile we are as humans that we won't give him money for a sandwich? I mean, how hungry is he REALLY? If I wanted a sandwich, I'd say fuck the train, I'm taking my $2.25 and going to McDonald's. Most recently I found myself in a situation that nearly caused me to open my mouth. I say nearly, because deep down there is a deep rooted fear in being retaliated against and the last thing I want is to get spit on. Or beat to a pulp. This guy was bible thumping. Straight yelling about God and reading bible verses. I was on the phone with my mother, whose voice was now completely drowned out. A woman next to me made the mistake of engaging him in conversation. There he stood, two inches away from me rocking back and forth and warbling about how he put his hand on an oven once and it burned and then he did it again and one more time but finally God told him not to touch that stove because it would be hot. Did God also tell him he was a masochist? Throw in some comments about the Cubs and Sox and how God likes one team more than the other and I legit thought I was going to lose my mind. BECAUSE IT'S ONE THING TO PREACH TO PEOPLE AND IT'S ANOTHER THING ENTIRELY WHEN YOU MAKE NO DAMN SENSE. A deep sense of relief came over me (or was it divine intervention?) when the train finally came to my stop, but not before I heard the guy respond to the woman and say that the opinions of Jews and Muslims didn't matter. It's a good thing my Polish foot didn't end up his crazy ass.

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