Sunday, December 18, 2011

Crackin' Nuts

In an attempt to channel my cultured side, I invited some friends to the Nutcracker Ballet recently. We sat in the back row, compared men's packages, and snuck in wine. Typical.

Eventually we got caught and were advised to drink our wine in the lobby. "Why aren't we allowed to drink wine, and people are allowed to bring their babies in the theatre?" asked my friend Lizzard. The usher ignored us but as I attempted to chug my $5 cup of Pinot Grigio, I thought she had made a very good point.

Inside the theatre parents walked around holding their screaming infants in their arms. Smaller kids were running up and down the aisles. And I was being forced to suffer through this without a drink in my hand. I attempted to keep my comments to myself during the performance, but things took a turn for the worse in the bathroom:

Me: (coming out of the special needs bathroom)
Woman in line holding squirming toddler: Is there a changing table in there?
Me: What? Why would I know that?
Lizzard: (shooting me a dirty look) No, there's no changing table.
Me: How do you know? You weren't in that bathroom. And aren't you on my team?
Woman: That's okay, I can just use the windowsill. (begins to change baby on said windowsill)
Me: (to no one in particular as my friend had left)Why is this happening to me? Why am I being subjected to this? Am I the only one who thinks there's something wrong here? Babies shouldn't be allowed in the ballet.

As we left the theatre we ran into the same usher who had denied us entry with wine. To her I said: "I just want to let you know that while I was forced to remain sober throughout this ordeal, there are women changing babies on windowsills. Maybe you should have some kind of rule against that too."

"Guys, I'm thirsty" I whined as my friends pulled me out of the theatre. Thankfully I was able to quench my thirst with something other than breast milk.

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