Friday, June 7, 2013


I have an aversion to people with bad teeth. I’m sorry, but I really do. Whether they are corn cob yellow, jacked up like a picket fence or just not taken care of, I can’t deal. I get that some people don’t have insurance or have crappy insurance, but puhlease. This is not an area that you neglect. Not only that, there are many products on the market that can help (Crest Whitestrips, what. a. lifechanger.) I've been diligent about my own health care my entire life; brushing, flossing, swishing, whitening, etc. But, gentle readers, it appears I too am not perfect when it comes to oral (heh) care. I went in for my 6 month cleaning the other day and it was quite honestly the most brutal experience I've ever had at a dentist's office. My dentist has never been one with a soft touch; she is as aggressive as you can get. I mean, she really gets in there. Up until this visit I had no problem with it, but for some reason I had major buildup on my pearly whites and the moment she started scraping, I knew I was in for it. That bitch went through 6 gauze pads full of blood and I just about lost my shit. Every time I spit there was more. Not. Cute. My hands were sweaty from clutching the armrests and as I closed my eyes I thought so this is what Fight Club must have been like. But instead of Brad Pitt, I had a crazed Greek woman who was assaulting my gums. I opened my eyes I saw her put another pad on her tray and wondered if it was ever going to end. I rinsed and spat more blood. I gargled with mouthwash. That didn't help. I slowly started to feel panic rise in my throat (or was that the taste of iron?). I needed to call someone for help. Who, I don't know. Finally, my dentist grinned and exclaimed joyously, "good as new!" I gazed up weakly at her and said with shame "this has never happened to me before." I felt as though I needed to explain myself. I DO floss. I DO brush my teeth several times a day. "Oh, this was nothing" she scoffed. "You should see some of the people we get in here." ha, ha! I hopped off the chair, removed my bloodied bib and skipped out of there...praying my knees wouldn't buckle from the horror I had just endured.

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